review – Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Warning Review:
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Let us evaluate Mega Python vs. Gatoroid from the perspective of geography, because this sucker is so bad, thinking about it any other way would result in my jabbing a fork into my eye socket. And the wife has already hidden all the sharp objects.

National Park Service Ranger O’Hara is concerned that something is decimating the gator population in the Everglades. However, thanks to a drop shot of a park sign used repeatedly to remind us we are in Florida, former pop star Tiffany Ranger O’Hara is in charge of Seminole State Forest, which is an hour north of Disney World in the center of the state. This also means a National Park Service ranger is running a State property and must undoubtedly be pissing off the Florida Forest Service, because this is their turf.

Meanwhile, yet another pop star looking to revive her career, Debbie Gibson, environmentalist Nikki Riley has been releasing bad CGI snakes from captivity and releasing them into Seminole State Forest into the park into the Everglades somewhere in Florida and the pythons and anaconda have been attacking the Everglades alligators, in spite of the fact the Everglades are 300 miles south of the park. Apparently Dr. Riley’s degree is honorary, since any real environmentalist knows Boas and Anacondas are not invasive species and should never be released into the wild.  Confused? It gets worse.

Park Ranger Tiffany decides the best way to protect the alligators is to let the local redneck poacher crowd have open season on snakes and directs them to focus on the Francis S Taylor and Southern Glades Wildlife areas. Both are in Miami-Dade County, under the jurisdiction of Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, so yet more pissed off State employees. Both facts become important later.

Instead, the snakes have open season on actors who know how to drink beer but weren’t coached on how to handle guns the hunters. When a pack of the solitary hunters surround and eat Ranger Tiffany’s fiancé, she gets really, really upset for at least 5 minutes. She plaintively cries that she needs bigger gators, so she and her park ranger sidekick, Deputy Angie, drive up to Tampa where Angie’s grandson is a college jock who works at Tampa General Hospital in the kitchen, where they also apparently store experimental steroids.

Soon, the alligators are getting bigger, and so are the snakes eating the alligator eggs in spite of the fact steroids aren’t passed through genetics because these experimental steroids have the side effect of magnifying the effect to subsequent generations of offspring.

Dr. Diego Ortiz, the token Latino a highly regarded herpetologist, warns that the gators and snakes are unnaturally big and this is a bad thing unless you’re making a giant gator vs. giant snake movie. Sure enough, giant snakes and alligators crash Ranger Tiffany’s fund raiser to save the Everglades, again, held at a State Forest hundreds of miles from the Everglades. In spite of losing her potential donors to an onslaught of hungry CGI monsters, Ranger Tiffany takes time to have a knock down, bitch slap brawl with environmentalist Debbie, because let’s face it, it’s well overdue. They should have cleared the air in the 80s when they were both competing for those sweet teenybopper music dollars. No other state or local officials appear to assist or investigate; making me wonder how many governmental agencies Ranger Tiffany has actually managed to pissed off over the years.

Remember back when they allowed the hunters to get slaughtered to hunt snakes at the Wildlife areas? That established this mess is supposed to be taking place down around Miami, which still ain’t the Everglades, but we’re getting closer. This is important because the tension of having the gargantuans attack Miami is more interesting than having them eat Sanford, the nearest town to Seminole State Forest, not that anyone would notice. The brilliant plan Dr. Latino, Ranger Tiffany and Environmentalist Debbie come up with is to take Debbie conveniently large of generic reptile pheromones and while Tiffany and Rico Suave draw the critters back into the Everglades before they reach Miami, Debbie will rig a quarry with a disturbingly large amount of unsupervised dynamite and without an environmental impact statement.

Our team drives to Debbie’s lab in Miami, passing tourist destination Jungle Adventures building, built to look like an alligator and billed as “Swampy the World’s Largest Gator.” This is a clever addition but now means that our heroes are in Christmas, Florida, which makes sense if you actually are were headquartered at Seminole State Forest but not if you’re in the Everglades or the Miami wildlife areas. Personally, if I’m wondering if Dr. Snake Specialist has any idea how to read a GPS by this point, let alone driving cars.

This plan goes to hell when the critters reach a generic Los Angeles alleyway Miami. So our heroes steal a crop duster, load it with the pheromones and get the crappy CGI beasts to follow them to the quarry.

Last I checked, the technical term for a large deep depression in the earth in the ‘glades is referred to as a lake, not a quarry, but we will gloss over this minor impossibility because Debbie gets trapped in the Bat Cave, because they shot the scene in Bronson Canyon a cave filled with giant alligator egg that are hatching. Tiffany’s got her own problems because the critters are about to overrun the Turkey Point Nuclear Reactor allowing the filmmakers to reuse scenes from Mega Shark v.s Crocosaurus and our heroic herpetologist is just as skilled at piloting a plane as he is at reading a map.

Long story short, both pop stars get eaten, Miami is saved from the giant beasts, and no one seems to care that it has already been established that both mega pythons and gatoroids were sighted in Big Cypress National Preserve. Perhaps the National Park Service, also pissed off at Ranger Tiffany, just took care of it and didn’t bother to tell her.

As the 91 minutes of my life I’ll never get back film ends, it is a year later and Seminole State Forest is cutting the ribbon on a memorial plaque. The “quarry” is now an estuary renamed for the two nitwits who caused the whole problem in the first place. Considering an estuary is a coastal body of salt water with fresh water flowing into it, Debbie should have stuck with demolition work instead of environmental activism—that was one hell of an explosion.

If only someone on the screenwriting team had access to a map of Florida…



About goudsward

Writer of stuff not easily categorized. (Trust me, I got the royalty checks to prove it)
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