Top Seven Easter Horror Movies

Chrononological – because stuff this bad ain’t worth trying to rank by quality.

Night of the Lepus (1972)
A rancher (Rory Calhoun) asks a college president Elgin Clark (DeForest Kelley) to combat the rabbit overpopulation caused by the death of the coyotes. Elgin brings in researchers Stuart Whitman Janet Leigh. The classic tale of giant carnivorous rabbits terrorizing a small Arizona town.

Critters 2 (1988)
A batch of unhatched critter eggs from the first movie are mistaken for Easter eggs by the Grover’s Bend locals and extraterrestrial eating machines are soon loose again. Look for a particularly nasty death of a guy in an Easter Bunny suit.

Resurrection (1999)
Christopher Lambert is a Chicago detective tracking down a serial killer who is hacking parts off his victims so he can to reconstruct the body of Christ for Easter.

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (2001)
Using only a bag of stakes and his divine kung fu, Jesus Christ battles a vampire plague preying on Ottawa’s lesbian community.

Peter Rottentail (2004)
The legendary Polonia Brothers bring us the story of a magician who is resurrected as a blood-thirsty, tux-wearing, giant white bunny with a grudge.

Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)
A psycho with an Easter Bunny mask kills off most of the cast in revenge the abuse of a special needs boy at the hands of a grifter and his sicko buddies.

Kottentail (2007)
Animal activists release a rabbit from a test lab, unaware the bunny has been genetically modified.  On the loose, the vicious little furball attacks farmer Hans Kottentail. Hans begins to mutate, growing fur, becoming a vegetarian and hopping instead of walking. He also inherits the rabbit’s blood rage, as the townsfolk soon learn.

 

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A Brief History of Valentine’s Day

This an old piece, done about 15-16 years ago for my employer’s inhouse newsletter. It think it was on their website for a while as well. The original incarnation was for my radio spot on the local NPR affiliate.

 

The editors of Hallmark Cards report that Christmas is the largest greeting card market, with February 14th, a date well known by both lovers and gangland slaying buffs, coming in a close second. St. Valentine’s day is the day when friends, lovers, and those of similar inclination, show their affection with cards, flowers, and some expressions best left to the imagination.

Saint Valentine’s Day is more accurately Saints Valentine Day, for there are actually a number of Valentines. Early church lists record anywhere from one to eight Saint Valentines. Currently, two canonized martyrs named Valentine are officially commemorated on February 14th. The first Valentine was a priest in Rome who, refusing to renounce his faith, was tortured and beheaded on February 14, circa A.D. 269, part of a systematic persecution by Emperor Claudius II. He was buried on the Flaminian Way, and a basilica had been erected on the location by 350. Meanwhile, 60 miles from Rome in Interamna (now Terni), Valentine, the Bishop of Interamna, met with similar torture, demise, and interment.

Since the Catholic Church is not quite sure how many Valentines there actually were, some hagiographic scholars suggest that Bishop Valentine of Interamna was brought to Rome for his torture and death, and developed multiple followings, including one in Rome and one at Interamna. Others believe that the Interamna martyr was a separate individual whose following adopted the Roman Valentine’s date of February 14 as their festival date. Apparently it was a common practice to commemorate similarly named saints on the same date if one was unsure of the date of the martyr’s suffering, and since Rome dominated the church, their date was the one to which the other cities gravitated. This might partially explain the plethora of Valentines in early lists.

There is no easy connection between the Saint(s) Valentine and people in love. Etymologists report that among medieval lower classes, the letters g and v were spoken interchangeably. The Norman word for “lover” is galantin, which then could also be pronounced valantin, a short step to valentine and the logical association with the saint with the same name. Abetting this association, or because of it, February 14th was believed to be the date upon which birds mated. Even Geoffrey Chaucer, in his Parlement of Foules, mentions this belief.

The most recognizable aspect of the holiday, the Valentine card, can trace its roots to the Roman festival of the Lupercalia, held February 15 in honor of Lupercus, the Roman equivalent of Pan. During this festival, a ceremony was held in honor of the goddess Februata Juno, in which the names of the young women were placed in a box. Each young man drew a name from the box and the subsequent pair were considered a couple for the next year. To Christianize this pagan manner of choosing sweethearts, the names of saints were placed in a box, and each young person chose one, and were to emulate that saint’s virtues for the year. This, needless to say, was not nearly as popular, and the tradition had reverted back to drawing girls’ names by the 14th century. A second attempt to alter the practice in the 16th century by Saint Francis de Sales was equally unsuccessful. The French soon developed the progressive system of having men and women both draw names, and the English added the risky practice of also having as a Valentine the first person the woman saw on St. Valentine’s day. Samuel Pepys chronicled one case of a woman wandering around all day with her eyes closed, avoiding various workmen, waiting for her husband to arrive home.

Charles Duc d’Orleans is credited with being the originator of including poetry in valentine cards. While confined in the Tower of London for being on the wrong side in the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, he sent his wife valentine poems. Sending verses did not catch on immediately, but by the 1660′s, there seem to have been some rhymed love notes circulating as part of Valentine’s day.

Valentine’s day customs were carried to the colonies, but there was little opportunity to practise them in 17th century America. English women were sold to bachelor Virginian colonists, who paid their passage with tobacco, and public displays of affection were criminal offenses in New England. Romance had more of a chance in the 18th century, with the English import of “valentine writers,” booklets of verses which gentlemen could copy onto fancy papers and send as valentines. More importantly, these booklets also supplied rhymed answers which the young lady could also copy and send in response.

The pagan roots of the day made a resurgence as Cupid became a popular symbol of the holiday on commercially produced cards, although no Roman would recognize the little roly-poly cherub as the classic god of love. First produced circa 1800, by 1840, mass-produced valentine cards had reached the level of sophistication they currently enjoy.

So when you drop that valentine in the mail, be forewarned. While you may believe you are merely expressing affection, you are evoking the blessing of Lupercus and Februata Juno, major fertility deities, and Cupid, the god of love. With that sort of firepower behind you, you might want to skip the flowers and chocolates and bring a safety net instead.

 

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Horror Films of the 1990s (review)

Horror Films of the 1990s is the third of John Kenneth Muir’s study of the horror film genre by decade. It is an indispensable reference book, filled with synopses, reviews and Muir’s own insights.

John Kenneth Muir like horror movies, and by the time you finish thumbing through Horror Films of the 1990s, you’ll have a pretty good idea where he stands any particular film released during the decade. Muir is not shy about pointing out the flop, but will explain the short comings of the film. Although I disagree with his rating on certain films, he does explain his rationale. (But seriously, Dr. Giggles rates higher than Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Yeesh!)

The only issue, and a minor one at best, is that a book with 664 pages of text does not need 20 pages of appendices noting trends in tropes, comparisons of  films to X-Files episodes, and similar fluff. If the book was 1/3 the size, I’d consider these filler for page count padding. In a tome of this size, they are merely superfluous, and after a 600+ pages of Muir’s data and occasional spoilers, they are unnecessary.

The book may be prohibitively expensive for the private collector (especially as book three in an ongoing series), but if there is a local library with a film studies collection, this should be part of that collection.

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Filmmakers vs Writers

One of my ongoing projects has been converting Shadows Over New England over into six individual books with a broader topic – adding more folklore and archetypal ghost tales, especially if they were used in horror films/stories. As such, in addition to collecting material created since the first book went to print, I have returned to my work folders to review those items I wanted to include but simply couldn’t devote any additional time to researching. The burial location of Arlo and Harriet  Bates being one that still irks me (look them up, prefereably in your copy of SONE).

For the 307,000,000 US citizens who didn’t buy copies of the book, it is essentially a reader’s guide to horror film and stories, set up as an atlas or gazetteer. So, for an example, Dark Shadows is listed under Collinsport, Maine with references to the 1966-71 series, the remake, the two films and the books (of which there are more than you might suspect). There are also cross references to the locations in Rhode Island, Connecticut and Maine which were filming locations for the various incarnations.

One thing that puzzled me when working on SONE was the attitude of some indie film makers. The film is made, it’s being distributed and yet, when I write asking qbout a filming location – nothing. Blockbuster is circling the drain and Netflix acquisition system is a joke; how are you planning on promoting the film after your BFFs review it on IMDB and Amazon?

It’s not a New England phenomena – there are small films included in Shadows Over Florida that have 4-5 listings and there are films that have one generic listing. The difference is that the filmmaker helped me to promote his film by providing filming locations. I’m not asking for a free DVD or spoilers – all I want to know is where that scene at the gas station was filmed, or what river did you film the kayaking scene? There’s one film in the Florida book only because I was able to track down one of the actresses who gave me a location. I still haven’t heard from the filmmaker. Lest I be accused of painting with too broad a brush, the other end of the spectrum is my buddy Joel Wynkoop, who has appeared in so many movies that even he has trouble keeping track, is always ready to help promote his films and I have a lot of films in SOF that are there because Joel mentioned them, not because of my research. However, Joel is the exception.

Authors, on the other hand, couldn’t be more accomodating. Perhaps my co-author brother is more charming than I am (as if!), but suggestions for addition mentions, actual word docs of the original stories, references by other authors – the print crowd couldn’t be more helpful.

So, it appears that writers are more self-promotionally self-aware. Whether this is because film school doesn’t teach basic marketing, the film makers didn’t get permits and won’t admit it, or just some sort of artist mentality about the film being able to sell itself by word of mouth.

All I know for certain is that I am trying to promote indie films by putting them on equal footing (sometimes higher). But I can use a little help now and then and just replying to an email will almost certainly get you listed in print.

 

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The Epitaph, Issue #15 (December 2011) « New England Horror Writers

The Epitaph, Issue #15 (December 2011) « New England Horror Writers.

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Amazon: How the Grinch Stole Christmas Sales

Amazon: How the Grinch Stole Christmas Sales.

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2011’s TOP TEN PRESENTS FOR POE FANS

2011’s TOP TEN PRESENTS FOR POE FANS.

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